THANKFULNESS...and yes i know its not quite Thanksgiving yet..

So lately I have been feeling really guilty over nothing really…feel I should be into work at a certain time, feel I should do something associated with work all the time, and if not I feel guilty, and if someone asks me/tells me to do something I do it or else I’d feel guilty because I would seem selfish..

For instance, peter and I spoke about going away one weekend, and I forgot that was the weekend I had told his mother I would go to Swan lake with her and laura..and I felt guilty..i should go because I would be letting people down, but then I think I am allowing these people to weigh me down, and I am doing what I think they would want me to do rather than what I want to do or what would be best for me…

ALSO..all the interns are going away next week somewhere..yonkers to Seattle for a wedding..(JEALOUS!!!!) Eli to Spain to visit the girlfriend, Lindsay to London and I want to go somewhere…how can they not feel kind of guilty about leaving??..missing youth club and church and a few workdays..how is it so easy for them and tough for me? I am jealous they are going away..jealous Lindsay’s parents were able to come to the church opening..jealous her mom is meeting her in London that weekend…jealous that she gets to see her mom..so jealous..(and this seems silly right??..because I think so!!)

I have been experiencing feelings of jealousy and resentment because sometimes I feel people don’t care about the job, their heart isn’t in it…reluctance appears, their eyes aren’t shining bright anymore and I know all of this because I find it happening to me…haha…

Anyhow..i realized that I was letting guilt and all of these other emotions control me and run my life..and also I realized that I am so dependent and reliant on Peter and I really struggle with that…but its such a good learning experience for me..i need to realize that I must be okay with relying on other people, with asking for help…

So…I read all this from my journal and thought I would put the above on my blog…I read this now and laugh because it was such a phase….and I am over it now..the Lord is helping me through all these emotions…allowing me to see that I need only to worry about malia…and i shouldn't compare myself to other people…my time for traveling, family and friends will come…soo I decided that I wasn’t going to Swan Lake and peter and I are going to Scotland for the night instead..just one night..but that’s better than nothing right??..i think so!

So I met with a student last week for coffee..Olga from Ukraine..and all I could think was…here she is..my answer to prayer…my blessing from God..this is what will bring me life…sharing myself with people…really listening to people and growing closer to them through our faith…and I mean I only have to wait about 6 more weeks till bekah is here…so life isn’t that bad!…=)


So this next bit I wrote on an envelope while church was going on…

I know its not thanksgiving yet..but I am so thankful for so many things…sitting in church and the most beautiful sound is coming out of these people’s mouths…and I am reminded that these people can SING!

Thank you for the cross Lord, for this job, this community that I will terribly miss. I am starting to feel so enfolded, engulfed and invested in the congregation…thank you that we are continually growing ..and for the battle that has already been won

Thank you lord for our moments of weakness because in those moments we truly cry out to you!!

So also last Tuesday during our intern time…Lindsay challenged us to examine ourselves..and to think if someone saw us on the street and someone told them we were a Christian…would they be surprised?…and to examine our way of living…how seriously do we take our Christian calling??…so while examining myself…I just thought gosh I really need some help..haha…and I just thought I need the courage to be different, to rely on others, to change and be transformed…to be patient…and above all to be thankful!

I can be such a brat sometimes, and I get satisfaction from being independent and not needing other people for things…I also can’t compare people to myself..or myself to other people…I want to be a person that encourages others..that builds people up, but then I also think…I want people in my life who do that for me, and I guess I had expectations for the interns and expected that we would be those people for each other, and I am now realizing that its not quite like that….