So it is another day in Belfast...

another day with unpredictable weather...started off with rain and i think the day will end with the sun shinning through the windows....

So I am sitting in Peter and Lauras living room…neither of them are here…and I am truly wondering why it is that I am even here rather than at my own house? But then I am reminded…is it really my own house?…will I ever feel completely comfortable there? Will I ever feel as if I am not stepping on Jill’s toes or invading her area of the refrigerator? Will I become really close with her to the point where she will actually miss having me around?…will we ever get to that point? Do I have to ask to use certain things like the shower, the phone, the internet….etc or is it just assumed that what’s mine is hers (kind of?)…and that I have just as much priority as she does…

Anyhow…so im sitting in their living room, and I truly love being here because this is THEIR house..and im not stepping on anyones toes..at least I don’t think I am! …and I am listening to a little Tracy Chapman (fast cars) and it truly reminds me of my working days at the salon and Ms Anjanette Hewitt…and then I think about all the other girls there…but anyway… as I sit here typing…looking out the window, people are passing by, and to be honest I am surprised no one has even noticed me staring at them!!..the sun is shinning on the houses across the street..and I am truly overwhelmed with the emotions running through me right now…

Soo…life…life is interesting…I have my good days and my bad…meaning on my good days I am reassured that this is where I should be…in Ireland…especially in Belfast, working for a church…and then I have my bad days where I doubt that…when I really miss home, my family, my friends…people who actually KNOW me…a place that I can truly call home, and not feel as though I am a tourist…I mean even though I am living here for almost a year, I still consider myself a tourist at times….but then I think how long must one live in a place in order to stop thinking of themselves as a tourist???
Today someone asked me if I lived here…or was it are you from here?..i think it was the first one…and I thought…no I don’t…but then after walking away..i thought well actually I DO live here…but im not FROM here…that’s the difference….

As the days go by though…this place is starting to feel like home, primarily because I can go from point A to point B without getting lost…probably because I take the bus and im not walking or riding my book to work, which actually requires a bit more work!! I really don’t get enough time to myself, and is that my fault? Or is it my job?…am I afraid of being alone because my heart gets heavy at times, and I am reminded of how far away the people I care about are…am I reminded of how much my heart aches and how much I would LOVE to have a really long conversation with someone from home…without thinking about how much its costing..without thinking about the time difference and that I have to get up early the next day…am I afraid of being alone because I actually might start to doubt myself for coming here?…no that cant be it..because I know I should be here…I truly feel as though I am being tested, and my time away is truly allowing me to realize the things I really value in life…

Eventhough I do have the church community…I have realized that I live in a bubble..a Christian bubble…something I am sOOO very unfamiliar with…I was telling Derek a few days ago..(Derek is my boss) …that I am soo use to living out into the world and venturing into the bubble every now and then…but the church consumes me…all my time is spent at the church, my friends are at the church, I volunteer at the church, and when im not at the church im talking about the church…and the things we do through the church! This year I am being challenged emotionally and spiritually…but I yearn to be challenged intellectually…I yearn and long for those deep conversations about the world..about politics…and I find myself truly looking forward to interacting with the students over free lunches…or at random events!…I get a chance to ask them about school and we talk about the AMAZING things they are studying…

And then it makes me really miss school…I miss being challenged intellectually…I really miss it…I miss the great conversations I have had with people after reading something soo interesting…or hearing something interesting from a professor…I miss the conversations I had with my grandma Nancy….i miss being intentional with people because I wanted to be intentional…not because I HAD to be intentional…

And then I am reminded of how I am only here a year…and when I was here a few summers ago…I truly felt it wasn’t long enough…I am with these people for a week..and then I say goodbye…and then I think..i am with these people for a year, and then I say goodbye..have a nice life?? Do goodbyes ever get easy??

I have met soo many people ..young and old who remember the interns from last year…and I just think..I WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE THAT IS REMEMBERED!..is that too much to ask???…I want this year to MEAN something…I want to form those lasting relationships with people…but sometimes I don’t even know quite where to start??…sometimes I am soo overwhelmed with all the new people, and I just want to hear the Lord clearly speaking to me..i want to hear Him say…Malia that’s the one, that’s the one I want you to focus on..that’s the one I want you to take the time to truly know…

And when I don’t hear him clearly…I think ..what am I doing wrong??…why do I feel soo lonely Lord??…why do I yearn for friends…why do I yearn to meet people OUTSIDE of the church…people who are REAL with me…people who are willing to be vulnerable with me…people who challenge me spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually…I yearn for close friends…not to replace the old by any means..but to make this next year bearable…to get me through the tough times…and then I think..why am I being soo emotional??…is it because its almost that time of the month…or is it because it’s my birthday in 4 days…(not that I am counting or anything!!) and I am the most homesick I have been since I got here…or is it because I called my mom yesterday when she was at work…knowing she wouldn’t be able to talk…yet dying to let her know I got her package and yearning to hear her voice…

Why do I feel the need to be soo strong??…its like…If I shed tears…if I am homesick or sad because I just want a hug…then people may doubt my reasons for coming …even if people ask me how im doing…I reply quickly..oh I am fine..just fine! And if they are lucky enough to get a response that informs them of my homesickness…I am biting my tongue and truly holding back the tears, even though my voice quivers every time I speak of home and the people there…so I suppose I give myself away…what do I have to prove to people?? …that I can be away from my family and friends for awhile? ..that im comfortable without the comfort…that I can survive without certain people in my life? Well I could have told them that ages ago…but this is going to be the longest I have gone without seeing my family and friends…I wait till December to see Bekah ( and I truly thank GOD that she is coming!!!!..it truly gives me something to look forward to!!!)…and I think …I wait till may or so to see my family…and I think…gosh that’s 9 months…and soon after that I will be home…NINE MONTHS!!..in nine months a lot can happen…I mean for all they know I could be pregnant and almost be having the baby by the time they make their way over here!

So this year…I know I will walk away having no regrets…looking back on this experience as overall sooo very rewarding and rich…would I do it again?…and if I answer this question truthfully…I would have to say probably not! …but that doesn’t mean I am not appreciating every single day I am here…(at least the best I can!)…and experiencing the true peace of the Lord…I hear Him clearly saying to me… “malia..be still and know that I am God..” Psalm 46: 10..(minus the Malia part of course!) “malia be patient…and wait on me, I will reveal my plans for you in due time…I will reveal my purpose for you in this foreign land in due time…”

So those are my thoughts…and this is my heart…